Let me tell you about my fears. I used to fear silly things like blood draws and
clowns. Now I fear losing another
person who I deeply love to a terminal illness. I fear infertility. I fear cancer recurrence. I fear dying
before my son gets a chance to really know me.
Although I have tried to convince myself that everything is
normal, the truth is that I have been having a difficult time these past couple of
months.
Over the summer, I successfully weaned myself off of all of
the meds that I had been taking throughout my cancer treatments. That was no easy feat. I did this partly for myself, but
mostly because I wanted to make sure that my body was as prepared as possible
for a future baby (meaning: completely drug free). I wanted to spend the next few months getting my body strong
and healthy enough for another pregnancy.
We have been patiently waiting for the day when can finally add another
little one to our family.
According to the doctors, it will be safe for us to get pregnant this
upcoming spring, as I will be two years out from chemotherapy and it will be
completely out of my system by then.
I started to feel a little “off” around the time of Ryan’s
birthday in September. I had to
really push myself each day to find the energy for things that I used to do
easily. I gained about 8 lbs, so I
decided to try to start exercising regularly. The problem was that I couldn’t even work out as much as I
wanted to because I felt extremely tired all of the time. Granted, I was trying to keep up with the
never-ending workload of my grad school classes while packing Ryan’s social
schedule full of activities, so I never actually took a moment to rest.
We were caught off guard in October, finding out that I was
pregnant for a couple of days and then immediately suffering an early
miscarriage. I know that it wasn’t
the right time for us, but there was certainly a huge part of me that got my
hopes up. It felt too good to be
true for something in life to actually happen easily (instead of having to
worry about trying to get pregnant and fertility issues). Of course, it was not meant to be.
The past two weeks, I have felt more fatigued and I lose my
breath easily from just doing regular amounts of physical activity. I came down
with a cold, so I figured that was the reason that I was so exhausted. But the
cold is gone, and I have not improved.
I push myself each day to keep up with my responsibilities, trying to
hide the fact that I can barely get Ryan in and out of his car seat without
feeling short of breath. I have
sharp pains in my chest, lungs, and in my left shoulder/collarbone. I also experience hot flashes and heat
intolerance, which are probably long-term side effects of chemo.
I went in to see my oncologist and had a bunch of different
scans/tests done, but all have turned up inconclusive. Next on the list is a PET scan, which
will determine whether or not the cancer has returned.
I am sure that whatever is causing all of this is something
minor. Maybe it is just stress,
anxiety, and/or depression. I have
never had depression before, but I certainly feel less motivated to be active
and do a million things. I am sure that this will just resolve itself on
its own, and everything will go back to normal soon.
I still plan on having a long, happy life with my wonderful
husband, complete with our dream of having three children. Many people have grand, elaborate
dreams and goals for their lives, but for me, as long as I am alive and have my husband and children, I will be the
luckiest person in the world. I will be eternally thankful if I can only have that blessing.
But for now, I will schedule that PET scan and keep everyone
posted on how it goes.
I am preparing myself for the worst but expecting the
best. Please keep me in your
prayers this week and next.
Update: The results of my PET scan came back clear, as in: no cancer! I am extremely grateful because it feels like I have been given a second and now a third chance at life. I have never felt so appreciative of every single moment the way that I do now. Now that we have ruled out cancer recurrence, whatever has been causing these odd symptoms will be minor in comparison, so I am not too concerned about them anymore. They might very well just be the long-term effects of chemo that I will simply have to deal with.
Prayers, hugs, and warm fuzzies to you and your family.
ReplyDeleteDana, I am so sorry to hear about all of these challenges you have been facing recently! Please know that so many people who love you are constantly impressed by your unending strength and courage and believe you can handle anything the PET scan results throw at you, but we are all hoping for the best possible results. LOVE YOU!!!
ReplyDeleteLots and lots of prayers and happy thoughts your way. Thank you so much for sharing your feelings. I just love to read your blog - you really are an amazing example to me and a huge inspiration. Please keep us updated!
ReplyDeleteThank you all so much for the encouragement. My PET scan is scheduled for this Thursday, so I am hoping to know the results by Monday at the latest. xo
ReplyDeleteDana, I just found your blog yesterday and really appreciate everything you have shared. My sister is 39 and had a double mastectomy 4 weeks ago. She is stage 2, had two tumors and cancer in 3 lymph nodes in the right breast. We found out last week that the PET scan was clear. She gets her shunt on Friday and is starting chemo the week after Thanksgiving. She has the option of ACT or TAC chemo and is not sure which one to go with.
ReplyDeleteMy thoughts and prayers are with you.
Wendy
So sorry to read about the extra stress you've been dealing with recently. I've been reading your blog for over a year and have never posted a reply but wanted you to know that my thoughts and prayers are with you today. Hope you get some reassuring news very soon!
ReplyDeleteKirsten
@Wendy- I am so very sorry to hear about your sister, but that is great news that her PET scan was clear. I had TAC chemo (Taxotere, Adriamycin, and Cytoxin) and it was tough, but seemed to do its job. Please let me know if you have any questions about it. I will keep your sister in my prayers.
ReplyDelete@Kirsten-Thank you so much for following my blog and for the thoughtful message! We have felt so relieved since finding out yesterday that I continue to be cancer-free! Hope that you have a wonderful Thanksgiving!
I hadn't been on your blog in so long, and I just saw these postings. I am so sorry I didn't know you were going through this recent scare but am incredibly happy to hear about your great PET scan results. I know we have talked about this a little, but I can certainly relate to some of the things you are experiencing now and am on my own quest to get back to feeling the way I did pre-chemo. Hope you had an a wonderful Thanksgiving with your beautiful family. - Jessica
ReplyDelete@Jessica- Thank you! It was certainly the best news that we could hear! Now, whatever turns out to be causing these symptoms will be minor by comparison.
ReplyDeleteI hope that you are continuing to feel well and that you and your family also enjoyed your Thanksgiving!