Monday, January 31, 2011

"Let Go and Let God"

I have heard the phrase, “Let go and let God”, throughout my life and being the kind of person who loves being in control, I never really thought much of it.  It isn’t an easy concept for me: to stop worrying, stop pushing myself, and just relax.  I have always felt the need to be productive to avoid falling behind.  Looking back, I realize that I have been so goal-oriented that I have never truly enjoyed each stage in my life because I was just so worried about getting to the next one.   There are moments that I will never get back.  But as of now, I want to live my life differently.  I feel that my cancer diagnosis has made me realize that no matter how prepared you are, worrying about the future doesn’t change what will happen and what is meant to be.  Some things really are beyond our control, as much as we wish that they were not.  But we shouldn’t feel that we have to handle everything by ourselves and fight every battle alone.  God wants us to trust in Him. The future is in His hands, and He will strengthen us when life gives us trials that are more than we can handle.  As I let go of all of the things that I used to think were important, I feel that a tremendous weight has been lifted off of me.  My only priorities right now are enjoying every moment of my life with the people that I love, and letting my body fight this disease and win.  I am going to slow down, and no longer become “burned out” pushing myself towards perfection at every single thing.  Even though I don’t understand why I was given cancer, I have faith that God has a perfect plan for my life and my job is to simply let Him use me for whatever purpose my life is meant to have.  I will open my heart to new ideas, ways of thinking, and opportunities.

In the midst of all of the chaos of the past few weeks, I was disappointed to realize that I will now have to postpone finishing grad school even longer.  My plan was to take as many classes as possible while I was on maternity leave, so that I could finish within a year and return to work with a master’s degree.  The timing of this will no longer be possible, but I’m okay with not having a plan for the future for the first time in my life.  I know that one day I would like to finish the second half of grad school, but I’m not even going to worry about it at this point, since I have other things to focus on. 

This is Emi, on her first day with us!
I have also come to the realization that as much as I’d like to “do it all” and be a full-time mommy while going through chemotherapy treatments… it hasn’t really been working.  It is so unpredictable how my body feels each day, and I need to feel comfortable knowing that Ryan will be well taken care of at all times.  Family and friends have been stopping by to help take care of Ryan when Barry is at work or I have to go to doctor appointments, but the fact is that we needed even more coverage than they could provide.  We were fortunate enough that even on such a short notice, we were able to find a well-experienced, highly recommended nanny, who began working with us today.  She is flexible, kind, and most importantly loves babies and Ryan seems to have adapted well to her.  She is available to spend the whole day with us while Barry is at work, but is also okay with only coming for a few hours on days that I am capable and feeling up to taking Ryan myself.  This gives me a chance to truly rest when I need it, but still spend as much time with my baby as possible.  It is an ideal situation for us, and we are so lucky to have found her.  

I think that things went well today.  Barry and I both feel relieved to know that we have some consistent help with everything going on.  I have three days left until my next chemo treatment, and I intend on making the most of them!


  1. Dana-I have commented on your blog before but am reading these posts for the first time. I was diagnosed 8 months after you and wish I had found your blog sooner. Everything you have expressed has given my feelings a voice. Than you again

  2. @Jo- Thank you for your sweet comment! I hope that you will continue to read and please keep me posted on how you are doing yourself. My thoughts and prayers are with you.


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