Tuesday, February 1, 2011


I have been very anxious today because everything kind of hit me at once.  I only have two more days of feeling relatively healthy, and then I have chemo.  For me, the scariest thing about chemo is the needle going into my port and having to keep the needle in there for a few days afterwards.  Of course, I’m also nervous about the actual chemo and the extent of side effects that I’ll experience.  But even after everything I’ve been through with pregnancy, labor, and now cancer, STILL nothing scares me more than needles.  I always have to put lidocaine on my skin to numb it beforehand. I get nervous just thinking about needles, and knowing that I’m going to have it on Friday makes me very anxious for pretty much the whole week.  I feel like I am coming face to face with all of my biggest fears at once, but I am determined to overcome them.  I’ve come a long way from a few years ago when I couldn’t even walk into a hospital without panicking.  I hope that one day I will also overcome needle phobia.

Although I don’t understand why I was diagnosed with breast cancer at such a young age, or why I have to go through 4 months of chemotherapy and then lose both of my breasts, I understand that life isn’t fair and nobody ever said that it would be.  Those things were meant to happen in my life for a reason, even if I’m not capable of understanding that reason right now.  I know that there is a better world waiting for us that is fair and perfect, which is heaven.  This life on earth is just temporary; every single living thing will die, and nobody knows when their time will come.  It could be when you are ninety years old, or it could be tomorrow.  It is so important to treasure our loved ones while they are here and enjoy the moments that we have left with them.  Just because someone has cancer doesn’t mean that they will die, and just because someone doesn’t have cancer doesn’t mean that they will live.  Some people have long lives, but are unfulfilled and miserable; while other people have short lives, but are happy and complete.  I consider my life a gift, and despite all of the hard times and stressful moments, the good certainly outweigh the bad.  When I spend time with my wonderful family and see my baby growing and changing each day, it makes it all worth it.  Even the needles!

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